Robot Lovin'.

"Therefore, my dear, the kiss is our strongest weapon, but we must take care not to dull it. Do not forget that its value is only relative, purely conventional. It continually changes according to circumstances, the state of expectancy and the ecstasy of the mind."

I'm going to marry a robot. That way, I'll never have to be disappointed or let down. His name will be Infallible. I hate that humans are fallible. I hate that history continues repeating itself. I hate that I'm losing trust in people more and more every time I get burned. EVERYONE disappoints. I disappoint, my family disappoints, my friends disappoint... I want to believe that everyone has good in them and that everyone deserves a second chance. But, my lord, how many chances do you give someone to change? Self worth is so important...and obviously, if you are willing to look over huge, catastrophic errors on a significant others part more than a few times, you have very little self worth. In my opinion, at least. I hope so much, that I never stick around for someone that continually hurts me, just because it's comfortable. Can you really say you love someone if you've cheated on them? Or thought about cheating on them? I don't think so...but maybe that's just me being old fashioned. Good 'ol fashioned Kristin.

Sigh.

Things are okay. I hate that in between feeling...you know, 'not great' but 'not awful'. I guess it's better than being 'just awful'. My problem is that I feel this need to always be satisfied and overjoyed with my life. I always think..."If I just do __________, I will be happier." This is a flawed way of thinking and I need to knock it out of my mind. I need to find the good in everyone and everything and know that it's okay to be sad sometimes. It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to be angry and hurt.

This picture is here because it makes me happy. That's all.

"The common cold is an infection of the upper respiratory tract (URI) caused by some 200 different viruses. The average child will get 5-7 colds each year and the average adult will get 1-2 colds each year. It is the most “common” illness responsible for lost time at work and school. Colds are more common in the winter months. Symptoms last 3-10 days."



That's a human rhinovirus. I'm doing my best to kill him off with overdoses of vitamin C tablets and green tea. I WILL WIN.


I felt like crap this morning. I mean, REALLY felt like crap. I spent the whole night drooling out of my nose. To remedy this situation, I would have to reach my bare arms out of the nice, toasty covers and quilts I had comfortably situated around my body. This is when the nonstop shivering would start, keeping me awake all the night long. I awoke at 7:00 A.M. to a crusty nose and crusty eyes. A groan forced its way out as I ripped off the covers, jumped out of bed, and ran full speed to the bathroom where my only hope (in the form of warm droplets of water spit out of a circular metal rod with holes) was located.

The shower was mediocre. In order to REALLY remedy my problem, I took some "Dayquil" that was under my bed....unpackaged. It became apparent almost half an hour later that maybe "Dayquil" was really "Nyquil". Yep. To counteract the sleepiness, I had two shots of espresso. I WAS TRIPPIN'. Then, I made it home and collapsed into my bed.


Which brings me to now. 8:37 P.M. I'm going to a house show where my lumberjack friends are playing a bluegrass-esque show. Hooray!


Last night, we went to the Brew Pub and listened to a Bluegrass jam session. My friend Ben let me in the circle so I could 'holler' a song with them! It ruled. I want to play instruments again.

The.
End.

Good 'ol Daniel Johnston.

"Sometimes you might want to give up
But keep that chin up
Cause you're gonna find
You're gonna find
Sometimes you might be alone
But don't feel lonely
'Cause you're gonna find
You're gonna find
So don't let the sun go down on your grievances

Start each day with a clean slate
You'll feel better if you can shake off all that hate
And don't forget to forgive and forget
And don't let the sun go down on your grievances"

http://www.sendspace.com/file/swtu53

Okay. This is BY FAR my favorite Daniel Johnston song. However, this weekend disproved the whole subject line of the song in one fell swoop. Let me explain.

In most cases: Yes. I agree that letting the sun go down on your anger and sadness is the least therapeudic and correct thing to do. If you go to bed sad, it obviously makes sense that you will wake up sad....with crusty 'I've been crying all night' eyes. But, what if you attach other symbolic meanings to the sun going down on your grievances. Song disproved!! This weekend, I decided that the sun setting behind the mountains would symbolize me putting my sadness behind me. As lame as that sounds, I haven't experienced a sad day since. And maybe it was just a coincidence. Maybe I already had all the sadness out of my system when I decided upon this silly, symbolic event...but, either way...I'm happy!

I have decided to get myself more involved at our church. Not in a crazy, evangelical way...but, in a balanced sort of way. That's where I went wrong Sophomore year. Cru really did some damage on me (moreso on my friends). I just took everything that I learned and went extreme with it. I was making friends just so I could tell them about how I was a Christian and how they could also become one. This pushed a lot of my very close friends away from me and obviously, I can understand why. Being at church makes me happy and there's something to show for that. I want to go where I'm happy; yet, I also want to keep my friends that make me happy. I can easily do both.

I'm skipping my 11:00 class today. I'm not going to work today. My breaks went out last night. Well, almost...so I can no longer get to work. I'm taking advantage of this day off.

1) Making my first homemade latte of the year.
2) Going running on the trail.
3) Knitting.
4) Showering.
5) Going to Wildlife Management at 4:00.

That's my day.

I'm all thought out.

At first, I think it was really a matter of my heart. My feelings were hurt and for the first time I was really, truly sad. I go through my stages of being sad...usually in the winter....but this kind of sad is different. Whether I'm happy or not, I put on a happy, cheerful face for the benefit of others. Who wants to be around a debbie downer all the time? For once, it was hard for me to mask my emotions. They were seeping out all over the damn place....and at times that I would least expect seepage.

Now, however, I think it's more a matter of pride. Why don't you miss me? Am I not good enough? Why don't you even seem to care? That's what REALLY gets me. The ease with which you executed everything. The only reason you felt the need to mope around is because you not only lost the 'high school' love of your life, but you also lost that one girl who made you forget about the stupid shit going on. 'That one girl' is so easily replaced, which I guess is where the pride issue comes in.

I guess everything seemed so much more serious to me because I haven't been in a real relationship in over 3 years. I don't want to date random guys or hook up for the fun of it. I'm just excited to find that one person who I'm meant to be with. Petty, little relationships leave too much room for extra heartaches and I despise being vulnerable with every ounce of my being. That's why I rarely let people in.

I went on a run today...which turned into almost two hours of walking....and thinking. I decided that life is too short. Obviously, everything happens for a reason. And I have to believe that one day things will pan out in my favor. I mean...they really have to.....THEY MUST. I'm going to continue giving my heart to those I deem worthy, but I just have to be more careful. I think my ability to love others so enormously is a wonderful quality and I'm not going to let it go to waste.


Tonight, I have to do the stupidest class assignment in the history of the universe. I have to KNIT. A. CELLPHONE. COZY. With Leighann's help, of course.

Last night, an equivalent of 4 rolls of yarn got strewn across my living room, bedroom, hallway, bathroom, and kitchen. Don't ask.

Don't sweat it!

I'm sick of sweating all the damn time. This especially sucks when, instead of looking as though I'm enjoying a wonderful evening of dancing, I look as though I almost drowned in a lake. People aren't even nice about it either. They will tell me to my face that I look disgusting. But then, all I have to do is look in the mirror to reconfirm it for myself.

This semester has been really nice so far. I'm chapters ahead in all my classes because I have a job that has little for me to do. I print off all my outlines and online notes, hole punch them, and organize them into my labeled and color coded binder. After graduating, I really hope to be hired on full time at Gabe's in the Retail Merchandising dept. They have a position open now for Assistant Buyer, which is essentially, what I'm doing now....but, it's full time and for grown-ups with college degrees. Sigh.

Other news: I've chosen a topic for my capstone project that I am actually excited about! Phonosurgery: Pitch Changes in Transsexuals!!!!!! That's the title, including the exclamation points. I researched online and it seems that there are a ton of resources and information floating around on the interweb.

I bought an amazing pair of black straight leg jeans at Old Navy yesterday, only to have THE BLACK DYE RUB OFF ONTO EVERYTHING. My hands are going to be permanently black for awhile, it seems.

End note: 3 margaritas and a shared basket of guacamole and chips prior to an evening of rump shaking, should be avoided at all costs.

My apartment downtown needs stuff in it. My apartment downtown needs ME in it. I know once I get settled in, I will LOVE being there. Even by myself.

The way things are looking, I may be stuck finishing out my senior year in Speech Pathology and Audiology. Three thumbs down. That means an uber-long research paper, countless hours of clinical work, and mad crazy volunteerism. A typical Kristin-ism: Deciding senior year to hate her career path. Things have to constantly change for me to be happy. A rotation of friend circles, a rotation of interests, a rotation of life choices, a rotation of LIFE, PERIOD. I guess I just think these things will make me happy, but in reality, it doesn't change much. It's exciting for awhile, then the initial excitement wears off a bit.

Another typical Kristin-ism: Going on whims deciding to this and do that....and then never doing this or that.

Oh Snap! Shot.

These pictures simultaneously make me smile and tear up.

Because:

I'll always have my brothers when I have no one else.

And.

You'll never see us holding hands like this. ever. again.

Gay, but so damn cute.