09

I've always loved the tradition of making my New Years Resolution list. Who cares if I actually follow through on any or all of the resolutions. Just the mere process of compiling a list of things I'd like to improve upon makes my outlook on life improve for a short window of time. One major distraction in my life, The Facebook, has already been eradicated, and thus eliminated from my list of resolutions. Let me tell you, life outside The Book is a crazy, wild ride.

Below, I will unfold my rather hefty list of resolutions. This list is by no means for you, the reader. Its purpose is...well, it really has no purpose other than to give me a little peace of mind.

1) I will start taking vitamins daily.
2) I will eat healthier foods.
3) I will begin an exercise routine.
4) I will move home and save money.
5) I will do what it takes to get to China.
6) I will drink only once a week.
7) I will be more positive and agreeable at work.
8) I will be more considerate.
9) I will value my family and friends more.
10) I will drive to Pittsburgh more often to visit Angela.
11) I will read more. This goes hand in hand with giving up Facebook.
12) I will spend more time by myself.

I have a really great feeling about 2009. It's a chance for me to start fresh and accomplish all the things I've been meaning to accomplish in 2008. In 2009, I hope to find out who I really am. I want teach in China because it's something that will finally rip me out of my comfort zone here in Morganhole. It's something that will show me what I'm really made of. Black Bear is fine. The Gap is fine. But, none of these things are making me grow as a person. I'm in the post-college wasteland, and recently I've done quite a good job of putting the 'waste' in wasteland.

Another thing about getting out of Morgantown: I can finally put my past behind me. I suppose when I refer to my 'past', I'm referring to one specific person. I need some major distance between us in order to move on.

Good Morning, 2009. You're lookin' mighty fine.

oh, you know.

So here I am, in the midst of my delightful year off, thinking: "Hey, being in the midst of my delightful year off isn't really so delightful." I need to do something. Anything, really. I feel as though I'm becoming a brain dead being taking up space. But then again, there's a lot of those running rampant around Morgantown, so I sort of fit in.

A plan for my future needs to be formulated...and fast. I mean, I have my options narrowed down to: a) graduate school b) real job c) traveling. Choice C being the most ideal, but also the most problem-oriented when it comes to expenses.

Nothing of excitement has happened to me lately. Just parties. And more parties. And being destructive. And loitering. And going to work hungover. And making 100 poor life choices per day. It's getting rather mundane. My aunt offered to let me come stay in D.C. with her for a little while. I might actually take her up on the offer. It would be nice to get out of Morgantown and explore a new place, if only for a week. Plus, it would give me a chance to clear my head without friends influencing my every move.

Maturity=Kristin!!!

Yesterday, I did my usual night run over to the playground. It had been raining, though, so when I got on the swing, my pants got soaked all the way through to my skin. When I started swinging, huge droplets of water fell from the top bar onto my face, to further complete my wet state of being. This isn't another blog about playgrounds and running. It's a blog about a really sweet thing that happened on my way home from the playground...running. I walked the last block back to my apartment and saw two old people slow dancing on their wrap-around porch. It was really dark out and they were standing underneath the light, so they couldn't see me. I stopped and watched them for awhile...just swaying back and forth looking all old and adorable. It made me feel really happy inside.

Yesterday was wonderful. I skipped work for bigger and better things. Art and food, to be exact.

I feel more grown up now. Like, I flipped the maturity switch or something. I'm taking care of things and I feel good about it. Classes will be fine. I'll just continue feeling apathetic towards them, which has proven to deliver a more pleasing outcome anyway. Gabe's will be there...but not for long (fingers crossed). Cleet has promised to help me out with my finances and also with finding a more fulfilling source of income (of which I will invest!!!!). Investing=maturity!!! Maturity=kristin!!!

Classes start Monday. I can't believe it.

New Ear's Resolutions

Kristin says, “Dad, what are your New Year’s resolutions this year?”
Dad says, “I have decided not to make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, I’m making LIFE resolutions.”
Kristin says, “Oh. Okay.”
Dad says, “Yep.”
*Kristin exits the room*

Despite my family’s new age idea of ‘life resolutions’, I sort of like the old fashioned idea of making New Year’s resolutions. Yes, I never end up following through (who really does?), but for those first few weeks…the imminent hope of weaknesses and bad habits being overcome and defeated by ‘THE LIST’ is ever present.

2008: ‘THE LIST’
1) I will exercise regularly and eat healthy meals involving vegetables.
2) I will drink more water.
3) I will recycle.
4) I will spend less time on Facebook. (teehee)
5) I will focus my time and energy on finding a life plan.
6) I will take my GRE. I will do well.
7) I will compile a grad school folder and get in contact with Career Services.
8) I will attend job fairs.
9) I will balance my checkbook.
10) I will not settle for second best.
11) I will put my friends and family first.
12) I will finish what I start.
13) I will cook more at home, and spend less while out.
14) I will continue being addicted to caffeine and will refuse to do anything about it.
15) I will not complain about my busy schedule next semester. But seriously, it’s going to suck. 16) Now that I think about it, I’m probably going to complain a lot about my busy schedule next semester.
17) I will make an effort to mind my own business (see also: #4).
18) #17 Edit: I will make an effort to not be a creepy stalker.

There you have it. My hope for the next few weeks all compiled into one lovely list that can be easily accessed or easily ignored.

Sometimes I wish there was a book hidden away in an attic somewhere with my future mapped out in inked calligraphy. The book would include diagrams, maps, and colorful illustrations. Not saying my future looks mind numbingly boring, but I don’t foresee my life going off the Richter exciting any time soon. Hence, the illustrations are an obvious must-have. I’ve been imagining my future a lot lately; or rather, trying to imagine. As it stands, the calligraphy would probably reveal something to the effect of: “For one year after you graduate, your life will be mundane and boring with intermittent splashes of idealistic excitement.” That sounds more like a depressing fortune cookie, if you ask me. There will be bright spots in my life upon graduation, I’m sure. But, I just can’t shake the fact that I won’t have any sort of plan or path to follow. This whole “no plan or path to follow” thing would be way more fun if I could promptly board a plane en route to Ireland. Let’s face it. There is nothing exciting about having a minimum wage job that just barely allows you to pay off your rent and utilities each month. My parents are literally threatening to completely cut me off when I graduate if I don’t find a good job. I’m not ready for this! I’m not ready for reality to set in. Leave me be to happily flit around in my fantasy world for a bit longer before cutting the ropes, please. Yeah right. It’s time I grow up.

A mapped out future would be great, but the part of the book I would be most interested in reading would be my love forecast. I wish I could ask someone the question, “What is love?” without getting the typical, “Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me…no more.” It’s getting old, guys. I need answers! DAMNIT, WHAT IS LOVE! I guess maybe my book could mush together love and the future into one chapter since, more often than not, love transposes everything. Does it? Have you been in love before? Tell me, please. I think my experiences with love can only be defined as infatuation. Maybe infatuation is a side-effect of love, though. A dangerous side-effect. In fact, they should prescribe medication for it.

The final page in my book would be a picture of a happy pony running through a field. Hopefully I can follow suit.

I have a great feeling about the impending future.
I have a warm feeling inside.

I hope for joy.
I hope I stop repeating my past behaviors.

I feel like never listening to that song again.
I feel a sense of peace.

I have, I hope, I feel.

Crazy talk.

I'm not even sure where to begin. The past couple weeks have just been a jumble of confusion and emotion. Self realizations have been formulated and this odd sense of longing has arrived to make itself right at home. Longing has knocked on the door saying, "Hey, I have no where else to stay..it's alright if I hole up with you for awhile, right?" To which I respond, "Do I have a choice?" The answer is no. So, go ahead Longing...kick back and relax. Could I get you a cup of coffee or perhaps a sandwich while you are quietly biding your time making my life miserable?

The self realizations were really just a self realization. It's jealousy. I've got it and somehow just realized it. You are to him, what I was previously and as much as I'm trying to accept that...it's hard. Nostalgia is a bitch. A heinous bitch. But, then again...so is jealousy. It can ravage you. That being said, I've decided to wipe my hands clean of it. Can you even do that? Probably not, but I can suppress it to a point where it doesn't affect me.

I guess the other thing I realized...which would bring us back to 'self realizations' as opposed to a 'self realization' is that all my idealistic fantasy worlds stem directly from you. The fantastic days spent gallavanting around outside, flying kites, reading.......it's all.....I don't know.

I don't even know what I'm doing right now. Crazy talk, crazy actions. I'm doing everything wrong. You know me too well and probably have my actions all figured out. All I know is that I have these feelings that I don't know what to do with.