Explosions in the Sky.

Hi, I'm Insecure. Nice to meet you.

There's a quote circulating around somewhere that says something like: "How can you expect to receive love if you can't love yourself?"

I don't know the answer.

I'm insecure AND picky. Which makes for an unfortunate combination. I meet someone nice and proceed to quickly form this fantasticly romantic and completely ridiculous world in my head. A world in which we jaunt about outside on a gorgeous day, flying kites, sitting down to a candle-lit picnic at dusk when the sun is just setting, turning the sky a flush pink and orange color. He goes home with me to meet my family and everyone laughs heartily exchanging stories on the patio. We travel together...embarking on crazy and spontaneous adventures to places we've each never been. We lay around and read together...perfectly fine with the silence of just being.

And these delusions just continue on and on inside my head until the dood disappoints me by not perfectly filling the delsuional world I have created. OR MY HEAD EXPLODES.

I think I make up these stupid "worlds" to protect myself. If I set my standards so incredibly high, no one will ever live up to them. Thus, I save myself the trouble of getting my heart broken. I fill my time with jobs and friends...feigning confidence and self assurance. I'm a hopeless people pleaser. But, if people get too close to me..I pull away. I'm scared to let you in.

Witty Walt Whitman.

"I think I could turn and live awhile with the animals....they are so placid and self-contained, I stand and look at them sometimes half the day long.

They do not sweat and whine about their condition,

They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins,

They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,

Not one is dissatisfied....not one is demented with the mania of

owning things,

Not one kneels to another nor to his kind that lived thousands of

years ago,

Not one is respectable or industrious over the whole earth.

So they show their relations to me and I accept them;

They bring me tokens of myself....they evince them plainly in their possession."

-Leaves of Grass.

Noob.

I once had a Xanga and I once went back to reread past entries and felt like a dumbass. Thus, I'm starting fresh in a new and improved blog spot. It seems WAY more hip, modern, and mature than has-been Xanga. Xanga is like the Spice Girls of the blogging world. ALTHOUGH, let me just tell you that the Spice girls have reconvened and will be TOURING TOGETHER AGAIN. Maybe my trading cards will finally sell for more than $0.50 on Ebay.

Things are different now. Way different. Different in a weird, grown-up-ish sort of way. I have a real job now. A real, corporate world, cubicle setting, 9-3, copy/fax/spreadsheet/-ing job. People don't respond when you say "Bless You" and they use phrases like, "Shoot me an email" or "Let 'er rip!" fairly often throughout the day. I think I like the job; however, the day I use the phrase, "Let 'er rip" will be the day I also use the phrase, "Shoot me an email".

I complain about my jobs like it's nobody's business. Something that Nick said sort of hit home. He caught me in the act of complaining about my 53 hour work week and he said, "Kristin, you love working all these hours." To which I replied quite defensively, "I DO NOT. TAKE IT BACK". He concluded that I like working so many hours only because I love telling people I worked all those hours. I guess it makes sense. I am trying extra hard lately NOT to complain mainly because I HATE GETTING CALLED OUT ON STUPID STUFF I DO. Which seems to be fairly often in the presence of Nick.

I committed to running a half marathon with my friend Lauren in September. It's in Virginia and it's a ROCK N ROLL race. There are bands all along the course and then you get free booze at the end! So I guess I'm going to start trying to run a little longer each week. It has been raining so often lately that I haven't had a chance to get out on the trail, which SUCKS. I hate treadmills with every ounce of my being. Plus, since I work at Lakeview the last thing I really want to do is go work out at Lakeview. (I WASN'T COMPLAINING, I WAS SIMPLY SAYING).

How bout' all my friends getting married lately, eh?
The End.