I'm all thought out.

At first, I think it was really a matter of my heart. My feelings were hurt and for the first time I was really, truly sad. I go through my stages of being sad...usually in the winter....but this kind of sad is different. Whether I'm happy or not, I put on a happy, cheerful face for the benefit of others. Who wants to be around a debbie downer all the time? For once, it was hard for me to mask my emotions. They were seeping out all over the damn place....and at times that I would least expect seepage.

Now, however, I think it's more a matter of pride. Why don't you miss me? Am I not good enough? Why don't you even seem to care? That's what REALLY gets me. The ease with which you executed everything. The only reason you felt the need to mope around is because you not only lost the 'high school' love of your life, but you also lost that one girl who made you forget about the stupid shit going on. 'That one girl' is so easily replaced, which I guess is where the pride issue comes in.

I guess everything seemed so much more serious to me because I haven't been in a real relationship in over 3 years. I don't want to date random guys or hook up for the fun of it. I'm just excited to find that one person who I'm meant to be with. Petty, little relationships leave too much room for extra heartaches and I despise being vulnerable with every ounce of my being. That's why I rarely let people in.

I went on a run today...which turned into almost two hours of walking....and thinking. I decided that life is too short. Obviously, everything happens for a reason. And I have to believe that one day things will pan out in my favor. I mean...they really have to.....THEY MUST. I'm going to continue giving my heart to those I deem worthy, but I just have to be more careful. I think my ability to love others so enormously is a wonderful quality and I'm not going to let it go to waste.


Tonight, I have to do the stupidest class assignment in the history of the universe. I have to KNIT. A. CELLPHONE. COZY. With Leighann's help, of course.

Last night, an equivalent of 4 rolls of yarn got strewn across my living room, bedroom, hallway, bathroom, and kitchen. Don't ask.